Thoughts & Lessons Learned

Iceland Winter 10-Day Travel Guide

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Iceland Kicked Our Butts (It was worth it.)

Traveling in Iceland without a tour can be as tricky as it is rewarding, but it is worth the extra preparation. Traveling on your own will save you money and cultivate a unique experience full of adventure! When my partner and I decided to go to Iceland, we originally planned the most ambitious 10-day trip to take advantage of our limited time there. The initial itinerary had us living in a van, hiking at least 20 miles daily, cooking all our meals, and long nighttime drives to the next destination, where we would camp and hike again in the morning. We threw together a list of everything we wanted to see and figured, in a van, we could hit them all. We could go at our own pace without being weighed down by a tour schedule, even if that meant we would be uncomfy for a while.

We overestimated ourselves. 

Though Iceland is beautifully etched into my memory as one of the most humbling and breathtaking adventures of my life, it was also one of the most stressful and uncomfortable. Admittedly, we made mistakes that could have easily been avoided with the proper preparation. Now that the trip is over and we are safe at home, I would love to share our experience so you can avoid our mistakes and get the most out of your trip to Iceland.

Basalt rocks formed by columnar jointing
Pit stop along the Ring Road
Iceland Horses by our Airbnb

Why It’s Worth the Discomfort

For the plot. Duh. 

But seriously, the breathtaking ecological landscape is unlike anywhere in the world. Resting on the boundary of tectonic plates, Iceland is home to both volcanic activity and iconic glaciers. It is dubbed the Land of Fire and Ice for a reason! It’s a cornucopia of geological marvels that make you feel like you’ve gone back in time or you’ve stumbled upon a world humans have not yet touched. 

The country was a feast for the body and soul. My lungs, so accustomed to the muggy metropolitan smog, stung as they inhaled the clean, crisp air. My eyes welled at the untamed grandeur of mighty glaciers, smoking volcanos, powerful waterfalls, and the mesmerizing Northern Lights. My skin was dirty from tracing my hand along craters, and the treks in the snow, sand, and mud. My nose wrinkled at the smell of sulfur from geysers. 

I was at the mercy of the elements with only the clothes on my back, a van for respite, and a companion to share the joy (as well as the stress.)

Even if you disregard everything in this guide and do it your own way, Iceland is worth the adventure. Where else can you marvel at beaches, volcanoes, glaciers, natural hot springs, craters, waterfalls, and more in a single country within ten days of driving? If you love nature and adventure, Iceland is a must. 

Our 10-Day Iceland Itinerary

I will never claim to be an expert on a place or an expert on anything really, but if my experience can help someone else, I am more than happy to share! See below for our 10-day itinerary from Los Angeles to Iceland and a few tips we picked up along the way.

Friday, February 24, 2023 – Sunday, March 5, 2023

Ring Road in a Van!

Day 1: Los Angeles-Copenhagen, Denmark

Pastries at Sankt Peders Bageri
Oysters at Kødbyens Fiskebar
Nyhavn, Copenhagan

  1. Left LAX and arrived in Copenhagen in the evening.
  2. Drooled over pastries at Sankt Peders Bageri.
  3. Dinner at Kødbyens Fiskebar for dinner.
    • It’s got a Michelin star and we highly recommend it! We ordered oysters, Fiskebarens raw cuts, Halibut (roasted Jerusalem artichokes, seaweed, and clams porridge on pearl barley, buckwheat, and lovage), and Fiskebaren’s sourdough bread & seaweed butter. 
  4. Visited Nyhavn.
    • It’s not as exciting at night, but we wanted to take advantage of our only night in Copenhagen. If it’s late, we recommend just getting a good night’s sleep.

Day 2: Copenhagen -> Reykjavík, Iceland -> Snaefellsjökull National Park

  1. Woke up and carb-o-loaded at Anderson Bakery then headed to Copenhagen International Airport.
  2. Arrived in Iceland in the afternoon.
  3. Took the Lava Car Rental shuttle outside the airport to the rental location. 
    • We rented a Renault Kangoo Camper Van for $71 USD per day. It came with a camping stove, kitchen essentials, sleeping bags, blankets, and a heater. It was still FREEZING so I was glad I also brought my sleeping bag liner from REI. 
    • We had numerous issues with our rental like busted doors, USB ports that stopped charging our phones, and overheating engines. We wanted to save money, but it would have been worth renting a nicer van or renting a regular car and staying comfortably in hostels. 
    • The Highlands and F-roads are closed in the winter, so we didn’t need to look into a 4×4.
  4. Drove to the Snaefellsnes Peninsula visitor center parking lot in Snaefellsjökull National Park and slept in the van.

Day 3: Snaefellsjökull National Park -> Thingvellir National Park

Trail in Snaefellsjökull Peninsula
Lóndrangar basalt cliffs (I think!)

  1. Hiked the Snaefellsjökull trail along the cliffs until 3 pm. Turned around to hike to big rocks (Lóndrangar basalt cliffs) until dark.
  2. Drove to Thingvellir National Park.
    • It was pitch black and windy. There are no lights along the road, and oftentimes no railings. If you are a skittish driver, I recommend driving in the daytime. 
    • We ran into car trouble as we ascended the mountains, so we parked at a Thingvellir public parking lot and slept there. Good thing we bought portable wifi to help us troubleshoot. 
    • The wind rocked the van all night and it was almost extremely difficult to get the van doors open or shut, even with two people. It would have been impossible to do solo (at least for me!).

Day 4: Thinglivir -> Seljalandsfoss Waterfall -> Skogafoss Waterfall

  1. Drove to the Thinglivir trailhead then hiked up to the volcano.
    • The trail is beautifully maintained, but the wind makes it challenging. Bring a face buff and gloves. This trip would have been miserable without those two!
  2. Drove to Seljalandsfoss Waterfall for a bathroom break and pics.
    • It was then we realized driving at night felt dangerous, so we opted to drive when there was still sunlight. 
    • It’s gorgeous everywhere. Loosen your itinerary and stop whenever you see something interesting!
  3. Arrived at Skogafoss Waterfall Visitor’s Center to make camp.
    • If you don’t want to pay camping fees, you can literally park anywhere on the side of the road and camp there!
Euphoric in Thinglivir
Dried lava on trail up to Thinglivir volcano
Cheesin’ at Seljalandsfoss Waterfall
At the top of the steps at Skogafoss Waterfall

Day 5: Skogafoss Waterfall -> Reynisfjara Black Sand Beach, Vik -> Skatefell National Park

  1. Hiked Laugavegur Trail: Landmannalaugar to Þórsmörk until snow made it impassable.
    • If you go in winter, start the day later and the sky clears up! It goes against the backpacker’s intuition to start the day late, but it might be worth it to sleep in and wait out the clouds. 
  2. Stopped in Reynisfjara Black Sand Beach, Vik.
    • If it’s not high tide, you can escape the crowds by going around the basalt hexagonal rocks. You feel like you have the whole beach to yourself (if you do not mind getting a little wet!)
  3. Stopped at a small trailhead 30 minutes before reaching Skatefell Glacier to avoid paying a camping fee. We decided to take a mini hike and sleep there overnight. We saw the Aurora Borealis!
    • The Northern Lights happen when it is extremely dark and cold. This was the first non-cloudy night, and it was spectacular. Freezing, but spectacular. I also downloaded Northern Light Aurora Forecast. It would notify me whenever the chances to see the Northern Lights were high.
A raindy day on the Laugavegur Trail
Waterfall alongside the Laugavegur Trail
Beyond the crowds at Reynisfjara Black Sand Beach, Vik

Day 6: Skatefell National Park -> Höfn

  1. Drove to Skatefell Glacier Visitor’s Center and hiked S3.
    • If you go in the winter, bring crampons if you want to finish the loop! It’s icy.
  2. Drove to a hostel at Hofn (because we really needed a shower and we were tired of the #vanlife.)
    • It seems like nothing dries in Iceland. For the last few days, our clothes were damp and cold. At least at a hostel we could wash and dry the essentials over the heater. 
    • SOCKS are essential. Feel free to overpack socks.
Along the S3 trail at Skatefell Glacier

Day 7: Höfn -> Hangifoss Waterfall

  1. Arrived at Hangifoss Waterfall Trailhead in East Iceland and hiked to the waterfall.
    • Lots of mud this time of year. Wear boots or be prepared for wet socks all the way.
  2. Stayed at a hostel in East Iceland.
Hangifoss Waterfall Trail

Day 8: Godafoss Waterfall -> Námafjall Geothermal Area

  1. Drove to Godafoss Waterfall then Námafjall Geothermal Area.
    • We spent a lot of time driving. Download playlists of your favorite songs or audiobooks before your trip and bring an aux to make the long drives entertaining.
  2. Stayed in a cute Airbnb farmhouse.
Godafoss Waterfall
Námafjall Geothermal Area

Day 9: Grabrok Crater -> Thinglivir National Park -> Reykjavík

  1. Visited Grabrok Crater in West Iceland.
  2. Visited Thinglivir National Park.
  3. Drove back to Reykjavík and returned the car rental. 
    • We had a lot of issues with our rental. We wanted to save money, but it would have been worth it to get a nicer van or a regular car and stay comfortably in hostels.
    • Lava Car Rental has a free shuttle to the airport. We then took a shuttle from the airport to a bus terminal in downtown Reykjavík where we stayed in a hostel.
      • Taxis are expensive to get from the airport to downtown. The shuttle is a quarter of the cost.
Grabrok Crater
Thinglivir National Park

Day 10: Reykjavík -> Copenhagan -> Los Angeles

  1. Walked to the Reykjavik bus terminal to shuttle to the airport. 
  2. Arrived in Denmark and then boarded the 10hr plane ride back home.
  3. Got back to LA, showered, then devoured all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ.

Tips on Tips

  • F-Roads and the Highlands are closed until summer!
  • In winter, the sun sets early, so plan your hikes accordingly.
  • If you are traveling in a van, you can park and sleep anywhere along the side of the road. No need to pay camping fees!
  • N1 Gas stations are a lifesaver, and they are all over Iceland. Their food options are quality and they have everything you might need!
Bonus, baby
We are N1 fans for life

  • Bonus grocery stores were our favorite for getting the necessities.
  • Food in Iceland is expensive. I recommend cooking instead of eating out.
  • Bring crampons if you intend on hiking. It is called Iceland after all.
  • Traveling along the Ring Road is not remote as you might expect. There is cell service and numerous opportunities for gas and food. Be prepared, but it is not like you are in the backcountry. 
  • Honestly, in the winter, we wished we planned to stay in hostels throughout the trip instead of staying in the van. Our van was cramped. It was cold. Everything stayed damp, and it started to smell after a few days. 
Icelandic yogurt, blueberries and the van life

  • The rain and wind are gnarly. Bring layers on layers to keep yourself safe and dry.
  • I love solo travel, but I absolutely needed another person on this trip!
  • You can 100% save money by doing Iceland without a tour but doing it cheaply might distract you from actually enjoying your trip. Assess your tolerance level of discomfort and see what is best for you!

Let’s Go!

Our 10-day Iceland trip was one of the most intense yet breathtaking adventures of my life. It was an adventure we carved out ourselves by doing it our own way (for better or for worse, haha). I hope you get to experience the beauty of this country too! 

Have any questions about our Iceland travel itinerary? Leave a comment, and I’ll try my best to answer. 🙂

15 Lessons Learned as a Solo Woman Traveler

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Solo backpacking as a young woman is not all the sunshine and butterflies Instagram might suggest. It has been a challenging, tiring, frustrating, and sometimes scary experience, parts of which I feel obligated to share. Of course, traveling is a treasure that I will never regret despite its discomfort.

For example, I am writing this blog post in a public park after feeling sketched out at my hostel. I am all about getting out of your comfort zone, but safety is a priority. So, I packed up, left, and now I must find a place to stay tonight. It is noon, so I have time. Thank goodness for wifi at public parks!

(Disclaimer: This is the only time I felt unsafe at a hostel. Every other hostel experience from Europe to South America has been wholesome.)

So, in the name of transparency, here is a list of 15 realities I have experienced as a solo female backpacker. BUT for every downside, I give you a companion reason why I feel like I’ve grown because of it!

15 Lessons Learned as a Solo Woman Traveler

1. Days spent on logistics

Instagram shows the culmination of hours of planning. What you do not see is the time spent locating the nearest grocery stores, managing schedules, comparing tour prices, organizing transportation, chasing wifi hotspots, and constantly planning your next move. It’s exhausting and unexciting.

Why it’s worth it: You will become so incredibly travel-savvy that international trips will feel like a breeze. Airports, boat docks, and bus terminals will feel like a walk in the park. You will be less forgetful, ultra-prepared, and full of confidence.

2. Not speaking the language well enough

I came to Chile speaking a decent amount of Spanish, but the accent was difficult to understand. Additionally, surprisingly few people speak English in Southern Chile, and it was a challenge to communicate at first.

Why it’s worth it: In time, your communication skills will skyrocket! Whether you are speaking the language more fluidly or just understanding the best ways to use your body or resources, it will benefit you in the long run!

3. Loneliness

Whether you speak the language or not, a bit of loneliness is inevitable when traveling solo. You see your friends from home having a picnic while you are alone in a tent in the middle of the Patagonian backcountry. Then again, that’s pretty cool, and I am sure your friends from home would approve.

Why it’s worth it: Friends are easy to come by when traveling! Find hostels where there are plenty of opportunities to socialize. Campsites have been my social hub where everyone is searching for a trail family. Keep an open mind, and see what the universe provides!

4. Piling expenses

It’s a challenge to stay within budget, especially if you’re going to a country where the exchange is not in your favor.

Why it’s worth it: You will become a master at personal accounting and ingenuity. You will learn to determine which experiences matter the most to you, and sometimes skipping out on that $90 tour will open up other, more culturally authentic experiences. Reading a book in the plaza while eating a homemade sandwich gives you a more personal look at local life that an expensive city tour with other tourists ever could.

5. Eating a balanced diet can be effortful

Gotta love salchipapas.

You are at the mercy of whatever is available. If all you find at the tiny local market is cilantro, then you just have to deal with it. I realize that my diet for the last two months consisted of 90% bread and potatoes.

Why it’s worth it: Backpacking requires energy so enjoy the mass amounts of bread and potatoes stress-free. If anything, it will force you to explore different grocery stores to find spinach or any other veggies you crave. It is another intimate look into the real lives of people as you scour the local stores.

6. Unreliable public transport

I realized it is not uncommon to wait an extra hour for your bus, especially when you are far away from any major city and hitchhiking is a common mode of transportation. Or maybe your driver left, and you have to wait in the rain while you wonder where he went. It can be uncomfortable and inconvenient.

Why it’s worth it: It forces you to think on your feet and roll with the punches. Embrace the laid-backness of life, especially if you come from the States where you are over-accustomed to convenience and instant gratification. My tour guide once picked up a hitchhiker while riding in his Sudan on the way back from a kayaking excursion. We ended up all having a memorable conversation in the car together. Just go with the flow, and be open to what can happen if you are not so focused on the plan.

7. Being dirty for long periods

Showers are not always available on thru-hikes, and sometimes you do not want to deal with cold-water-only hostels. Your backpack could not fit your entire skincare routine, and the hikes have disgustingly destroyed your feet. Eyebrows are bushy, and your 18-in-1 soap just isn’t cleaning your body the way it cleans your dishes. Also, your clothes reek.

Why it’s worth it: You will come to love and appreciate your body for how well it functions over how it looks. You will gain an appreciation for water as you have never known. Also, when I shower, I can wash my clothes simultaneously! How resourceful you will become!

8. Tourists on tourists

Welcome Center at Torres del Paine National Park

Waiting in line sucks, and crowds around the main viewpoints kill the mood.

Why it’s worth it: It will force you to wake up hours earlier to avoid crowds, thus being rewarded with the most incredible views. If avoiding crowds is impossible, see it as an opportunity to enjoy the company! Enjoy sharing a precious experience with people who share the same interests as you. It is a privilege to travel, and crowds mean you are seeing something special.

9. Animal carnage

I went to Isla Magdalena, a Penguin Monument near Punta Arenas. Thousands of precious penguins waddled around the island, but there were also plenty of not-so-precious sights. Dead birds sprawled across the island, and in the distance, you can see the carnage happen right before your eyes. Unnerving and sad.

Why it’s worth it: Watching penguins being ripped apart by opportunistic birds of prey is an image I will never forget. BUT, how beautiful is nature! Gotta appreciate life in the wild. Better than seeing penguins in the zoo, right?

10. ALL THE DANG DOGS

Dogs gather at the bus stop in Puerto Rio Tranquilo. These doggos are friendly.

Country dogs are fierce, and they protect their family and livestock well. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to bear the burden of walking through their land. I HATE being chased and barked at by big, unleashed dogs. I still change streets when I see a dog ahead, but sometimes I have no choice but to walk forward.

Why it’s worth it: You will practice composure! Dogs are everywhere, and most of them are not aggressive. Eventually, you will appreciate all the doggos that can keep you company!

11. Uncomfortable accommodations

Bugs at your campsite. Spiders in the showers. Smelly bathrooms. Holes in the walls of your hostel. No air conditioning/heater. Sharing a room with five others. Chickens in the kitchen. Cold showers. Bumpy five-hour drives while your driver listens to loud music and drinks a beer.

Why it’s worth it: You will appreciate the basics, the people who welcome you into their lives, and your body that can adapt.

12. Harassment

Being a solo woman traveler, unfortunately, you know this is coming. Being alone appears to be an invitation to some, and it is incredibly shitty.

Why it’s worth it: You will learn that it is okay to be angry and NOT be polite! You will become comfortable defending yourself, and you will not let it keep you from living your best life. You will also learn that there will always be someone there to help. For every one shitty person, many others are kind.

13. Lack of privacy

First day at Patagon Backpackers. The most fun I’ve ever had at a hostel.

Campsites in Patagonia often have shared cooking and living spaces that concentrate the wifi. All my phone calls to home had to be done in public. Also, sharing a room in a hostel is too affordable to pass up, but the catch is that you share a room with strangers. You share the common spaces, the kitchen, and the bathrooms.

Why it’s worth it: You’ll learn to share, to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It also forces you to learn how to set boundaries. Also, campsites and shared hostels have been home to some of the most fun I had on trips! It was so easy to make friends.

14. Having only one of everything

To save on weight, I strategically plan the contents of my backpack so that I only carry the necessities. Unfortunately, if I lose one thing, I will feel it. I already lost my water bottle and my headlamp.


Why it’s worth it: You will become more resourceful and proud of how well you manage.

15. Guilt

Traveling is tiresome, and I want to spend some days sitting in bed watching movies. I do not want to hike, take a tour, or socialize. BUT then I feel as if I am wasting time. Traveling is an incredible opportunity, and I want to be in bed?!

Why it’s worth it: You will learn how to validate your feelings and how to best take care of yourself. You will appreciate rest.

A Eulogy & Epilogue

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Funeral Service | October 4th, 2021

A few years ago I read a short fiction story, I don’t remember the title, but it was about whales and hummingbirds. Both animals were given a set number of heartbeats before they would die. The whale’s heartbeats are slow, and so it lives many many years before it uses up all its beats; however, whales also move slowly. They do fewer things in a set amount of time, as opposed to hummingbirds. Hummingbird hearts beat quickly, and so they use up their beats and die sooner, but with their fast little wings, they also move quickly and can do more things in a shorter amount of time. In terms of experiences, both animals live a full life though one may seem shorter than the other.

Pics from our spontaneous trip to Colorado in 2017

In my mom’s case, she was like a hummingbird. She zipped towards every opportunity life had to offer, and did everything she was called to do much sooner than the rest of us.

She was hardly ever still. I remember, on multiple occasions, trying to make my mom breakfast in bed, but I could never wake up early enough. I’d have to wake up at 4 am to start cooking, because she wakes up at 5, even on weekends, and even then she would hear me in the kitchen and get out of bed to help. She was a really light sleeper. I’m sure it came from her conditioning as a single mother.

She would tell me the story of when we moved into our house. I was 2 years old, and she bought a house on her own. She told me she was so scared that she placed cans beneath every window in the house in case someone tried to break in and for a while the two us of would sleep on the floor in the living room. She just replaced the cans with extra sensitive hearing, and we were good to go. Once she worked through her fear, there was no stopping her. In that particular scenario and throughout her life.

She did everything she wanted. Ate whatever she wanted. Went anywhere she wanted. Bought whatever she wanted. All of this is within reason, of course. She was also very responsible, but she knew how to enjoy life. I remember her waking me up because she wanted waffles from this place in Lake Arrowhead, so we packed up and went within the hour.

I can go on and on with the memories. We shared so many little ones that now mean so much. Like walking to church every Sunday, or playing tennis in the mornings, or trying new restaurants downtown, or sitting in her room and talking for hours. We were friends. There are also so many things I want you all to know about her. If I got it all down, I would be up here talking for hours.

But, for the sake of time, I’ll try to narrow it down.

*My mom was born on November 22, 1964, to [her parents]. She [has two older siblings and one younger sibling.] In 1971, they moved from Manila, Philippines to the house [in Los Angeles.] She married [her pen pal] and together they had me, Jessica, their only child, in 1995. After divorcing two years after my birth, my mom was free to raise me on her own terms, which included 13 years of Catholic school, figure skating lessons, voice lessons, piano lessons, ballet, basketball, and, believe it or not, a few more. We went to museums on the weekend and spent lots of time with family. She loved her family, and she showed it.

My mom adored my cousins. She would take them out whenever possible, but also she made sure to talk to them. Made sure that they were okay. Made sure that they felt loved by her. She always wanted 8 kids of her own. Knowing her knack for children, I’m sure she could’ve handled it, but I’m glad she was able to care for my cousins with as much love as if they were hers.

She made sure to spend time with each of her siblings and their families, and her cousins and their families. Weekly mahjong nights, Vegas trips, spontaneous lunches, or simply just hanging out at the mall chatting over Cinnabon, she made time for her family, and she loved it. She was close to everyone. Always so friendly, so patient, and so positive, with a youthful energy that brightened any room. It made for a lot of happy times. Even when life got difficult, her attitude always got her through it.

One of the most impactful memories I have of her was when she was caring for my grandma last year. Tatay and grandma were living with me and my mom, and grandma’s health was declining, plus COVID was in full swing. It was just the 4 of us in the house, I’ve never seen my mom work so hard. I’ve seen her work hard my entire life, but it was nothing compared to watching her care for her mother. She was up multiple times in the middle of the night every night helping my grandma use the restroom while still working full time during the day. My mom would cook the food for all of us, feed my grandma, then eat last. I watched her make so many phone calls for doctor’s appointments, and I’ve watched her administer medication, and I watched her lift my grandma and dance with her and laugh with her. But, I’ve also watched her cry at night, because she was so tired. She thanked God that He gave her the opportunity to care for her mom, but she was so tired. I saw it, but I never really understood it until I had to do the same thing.

On July 12, 2021, my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer. It was already in the liver, abdomen, and lungs by the time we caught it. She played tennis earlier that day. She was ineligible for any treatment, and we were given just a few weeks. I started grieving on July 12, 2021. I knew that the future I always envisioned with my mom was no longer going to happen, even under the best circumstances. I remember hugging her when we got the news that it was terminal, knowing that these hugs were numbered. We spent every day since then telling each other everything we ever wanted to say. She told me how proud she was of me, and I told her how proud I was of her. Lots of “I love you’s.”

For the next few weeks, after being discharged from the hospital, I was in charge of her care. Administering her many prescriptions, troubleshooting pain into the night, all while processing the grief I was feeling. I would cry every day, throw things at walls, and wonder how my mom did this for my grandma with such grace. Now, I only cry when I think about her in pain. My mom took her last breath with Andrew, my boyfriend, and I singing The Sound of Music songs by her bedside. She was soon surrounded by her dad, her siblings, and my cousins. All the people she cared for so deeply. Like a hummingbird, Melanie Garion, this energetic, tiny, powerhouse of a woman, had reached the end of her life on earth, a life that she lived so well.

Lastly, I’ll finish off with words my mom asked me to say. We were lying in her bed maybe two weeks before her passing, and I asked if she wanted to write something that I could read aloud at her funeral. She replied, “Originally, I wrote something down that’s a little longer, but now, I think I just want to remind people to, “Always say, ‘I love you.’”

Memorial Service | September 11, 2022

When I first decided to have this memorial, I knew I wanted to take a few minutes to say a little something. I couldn’t figure out what to say, which is why I ended up writing this at 3 am this morning. 

I couldn’t figure out what to say, because, this isn’t a funeral. I wasn’t going to write a eulogy. I already did that. I already talked about her life, her 56 short years that overflowed with more love than some people experience in longer lifetimes. I already talked about her infectious energy… her unparalleled independence….her unmatched work ethic, compassion, patience, thoughtfulness. 

I already talked about how she worked with quiet competence, like a tree with deep roots. She kept her efforts humbly beneath the ground, while the fruits of her labor spoke for themselves.

This is not a eulogy. This is more like… an epilogue, where we discover what happened after the events of her life.

How has her legacy affected those she left behind? What has become of them?

I can start.

My mom was my air. She was everywhere, all at once, keeping me alive. And the thing about air is that you don’t really realize that it’s there until it’s gone and you’re left gasping. 

One year ago today, my partner, Andrew, and I sat beside my mom’s bed, singing songs from the Sound of Music. We sat there for hours talking, singing..crying, while my mom lay unresponsive, her chest still moving with her faint breathing. I remember taking my eyes off my mom for a moment to look at Andrew and laugh at something funny he said. We laughed for the first time since we sat. Then I looked back down to see my mom’s chest completely still. And she was gone.

Oftentimes I wonder if that was what she was waiting for. To hear laughter. To know that she wasn’t leaving a broken child all alone. That joy was possible, even in the face of death. It felt like an unspoken agreement between me and her. That her peace was contingent upon my own. That I do not wallow, but instead continue to seek joy in all that life has to offer, even alongside sadness and mourning. 

Even when the doctors told us that my mom was dying, my mom and I frantically tried to say everything we wanted to say only to realize, that we already knew everything about each other. I didn’t need to rush a connection with her because we already had one.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been painful. My mom was my mom, but also my best friend. We would play tennis together. When our washer broke for a few months, we would go to the laundromat and shoot our dirty clothes into the machines. We ran all our errands together, even into my mid-20s. She gave me lots of hugs and told me she was proud of me all the time. We ate out a lot and talked a lot.

So it hurts. It hurts to know that the person who knew you best isn’t here. Isn’t here to care for you when you catch a cold or to check up on your when it’s 3am and you haven’t come home yet. She won’t be here to help me choose a wedding dress or babysit my future children. And I live with that burden; however, I do so in the midst of countless moments of guilt-free joy. Joy from long talks with friends. Joy from meals shared with family. Joy from dipping your feet in a cold river. Joy from learning something new. Joy from good food. Joy from God’s creation. A splendor my mom can reap everlasting.

My mom was my air. She was everywhere, all at once, keeping me alive. And the thing about air is that you don’t really realize that it’s there until it’s gone and you’re left gasping. But, one year later, you realize the air is just thinner and over time, you learn how to breathe again. 

*Edited for privacy

Profoundly Sh*tty

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I am basking in the warm California sun as I reminisce on my last few months traveling alone in Chilean Patagonia. When I arrived in Santiago in early February, my heart would race every time I left my hostel. I took taxis everywhere, afraid of public transportation. I would constantly search for wifi to look up simple things, afraid to use my spotty Spanish to ask for help. I called home often, afraid of missing out on what was happening back in LA.

Every week the fear would abate. Soon I was hitchhiking to a volcano in a car full of badass backpacking Chilenas I just met as we shared our latest adventures. Growing up painfully shy, I often pause these days to rejoice at the person I have become:

A person who feels competent enough to backpack and camp alone. Open enough to express myself in a language I am still learning. Confident enough to be the first to extend a hand in friendship. Free enough to trust that I will always be okay.

Part of that freedom came with accepting death- my mom’s and my own. I remember laying on a petrified log in Playa Cole Cole, watching seals bob out of the water and thinking, “Death is coming, and I intend to make life so beautiful that when death does come for me, I can go satisfied, whether it comes tonight or 80 years from now.”

I closed my eyes, listened to the ocean, and felt the chill breeze raise goosebumps on my skin. After a few breaths, I opened my eyes to a fiery sunset as I surrendered to all that life had to offer.

This Mother’s Day, I offer all my growth, longing, and joy to a woman who lived so well that God called her home early. My first Mother’s Day without her physical presence has been so profoundly shitty, but………yeah. That’s it. Just shitty. And honestly, that’s okay.

A New Blog for a New Dimension

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It has been four months since my mom died, and since then, it has felt like I have entered another dimension.

Many people attempted to prepare me. They told me how I would feel and what I should be doing with my grief to avoid self-destruction. I even tried to prepare myself. Many nights after we had received her terminal diagnosis, I scoured the internet for other 25-year-olds who had lost their only parent. I hoped I could cushion the blow if I read enough.

Of course, grief this intense and personal does not have a one-size-fits-all formula. My mom was my life, a single mother and best friend. We would stay up late sharing all the smack talk we were strong enough to restrain in the face of unbearable people, have pizza picnics on the living room floor, run off on spontaneous road trips, and play basketball with our laundry. We did this even into my twenties. She was energetic, hardworking, humble, and exceptional in every way, but I’m not here to write another eulogy for her. Eulogies comfort and reassure the loved ones she left behind.

This blog will not be a eulogy. Its purpose is not meant to comfort and reassure. Its purpose is simply to exist, to document this new dimension with grace and surrender without angle or agenda.

Four months since her passing and six months since her diagnosis, this new dimension is quiet. The craziness of managing my mom’s pain late into the night, funeral planning, estate handling, and house cleaning is waning, leaving more time to look around. It is quiet.

It is the type of quiet that you might experience from outer space. It is peaceful yet powerful, commanding you to witness the infinity before you. Despite all the advice I received, no one told me it could feel like this. (Actually, two people, but we had interestingly similar situations.)

I feel untethered, uncomfortable, humbled yet strong, self-assured, and free. This new dimension is an infinity of promise, and I have nothing left but to walk through. Will you join me?

Oaxaca, MX

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